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Interlude for an Amazing Day….

A heart-wrenching, emotionally draining, painful and most amazingly wonderful thing happened today and although I’m a little exhausted I had to put it out there. I had been having a rough time emotionally, inside my head, these last few days. Digging deep and writing about trust touched on one of my most difficult issues.

Without going into too much detail (because it would take days) I need to set the stage with the fact that one of the persistent issues I have is trust, complete and total trust. I have good reason to be hesitant with trust because of my past. I have never been able to really truly trust anyone, not when I was a kid, not when I became an adult and had relationships, never. I was perpetually let down, not taken care of, lied to, put in danger, and I’ve lived a life of not feeling safe, at times physically, more often emotionally. I had picked up the broken pieces of my heart so many times I didn’t think it would ever be whole again, and trusting someone, really trusting someone, seemed like an impossible task. However, I always held out hope, somewhere deep inside, that someday I would be able to trust someone. For some reason I couldn’t give up on that dream, but it was a daily fight to keep it.

Then I met Master and something just clicked. That part of me, deep inside, jumped for joy and for the first time in over ten years I actually entertained the idea of getting married again. When He asked, I said yes without even thinking about it, and it felt good. Neither one of us had been in a D/s relationship so the fact that we started that journey together made our bond so much stronger. Even though we had the monumental task of blending families, entering into marriage again, combining households, and trying to fully incorporate a D/s lifestyle all at the same time, we’ve had our ups and downs but we’ve steadily made progress. Master knew trust was a hard thing for me but even so He took on the challenge and promised me He would make me trust Him. Most days I could hold it together but other days the fear took over and I got scared. At first this was very hard for Master, because He took a lot of the things I tried to express as personal attacks, and would sometimes get defensive. But slowly, and through a lot of communication, the way He handles it has changed and I know He can see it now for what it truly is – I’m just afraid.

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Now, getting back to my amazing day. Earlier this week I had an odd thing happen physically/medically and although I tried not to put too much into it, I was already in an emotionally bad state and having it happen just compounded the fear. Today it just got to the point of being too much and I lost it. When Master found me sitting on the bed He asked what was wrong and at first I started blurting out how I couldn’t trust Him, how every time I felt like I was getting close He would do something to lose my trust. I tried not to cry, because I thought I was mad and frustrated, but in the end, just plain feeling heartbroken gave way and the tears started to flow. He didn’t get mad or upset. He didn’t tell me I was crazy. He didn’t deny my feelings, whatever I said they were. He rubbed my arm, just kept telling me He loved me more than He had ever loved anyone, I was the most important thing in His life, He would never knowingly do anything to make me not trust Him, and there would never be anyone else for Him ever. His patience, support, and love finally broke through my anger and frustration, and what was really going on finally clicked inside my head.

I was afraid. Not just a little afraid, I was in complete and total deep-down terror. I was still mad but not at Him, I was mad at all those people from my past that made it so hard for me to trust. I was angry because of what they did to me…..what they took from me. I was deeply afraid that I was too broken to ever be fixed. I was worried that it wouldn’t matter what He did or didn’t do, I was so messed up I would never be able to trust Him completely. All I ever wanted was to find one person in my life that I could trust, to know what total trust felt like before I died, because living a life never being able to trust felt like such a horrible tragedy. I was afraid I would die without ever knowing what total trust felt like. It all came rushing out in uncontrollable sobs. I can’t put down in words how very deep that fear was, how horribly debilitating it felt, how much I was in despair in that moment. My biggest fear was that I was just too broken and it was time to give up on my dream of ever knowing what real trust felt like. I also realized in that moment the dream of wanting to trust someone was my driving force throughout my entire life, it’s what kept me going through all that shit I went through. For me it was the one thing that kept hope alive and it kept that me, the part that wanted to trust, safely tucked away deep inside, waiting for the right moment, the right person, to be free with. I didn’t want to give up on that, but being scared and having to fight that fear so often, was exhausting, and I was tired of it. I cried, so much and so hard, because I felt like my only two choices were to keep having to fight the fear and dealing with the pain and exhaustion associated with it, or just give up and finally admit that I was too broken to ever achieve that goal. I didn’t want to be broken any more, and I didn’t want to be afraid.

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Master stood up and made me stand up. Then He held me tight and told me I was not broken and He wouldn’t let me give up on my dream. He wasn’t going to give up on me, or on us, and He wouldn’t let me do it either. He had known what He was getting into from the beginning and although it was admittedly hard sometimes, I was worth it because I was the best thing that ever happened to Him. He wiped away my tears, kissed me, and told me He loved me….forever and always. To which I added, in a small whisper, ‘plus one day’.

He didn’t get mad or defensive, He understood it for what it was – my fear.   He gave me validation for my feelings and let me know I wasn’t crazy. He held me tight and pulled me out of my pit of despair, wouldn’t let me give up, and didn’t give up on me. He took control of the situation, chased away my fear, and restored my hope. If I said He was my Hero He would scoff and say He’s no Hero, He’s just himself. If I said He was my knight in shining armor He’d shake His head and roll His eyes like I’m just being foolish. I’m not putting Him on a pedestal (He’d hate that), I know He’s only human, but I really do feel like He is my Hero and my knight in shining armor, especially in times like this when He saves me from myself, chases away my fear, and comforts my despair and I appreciate it more than He will ever know. Above all else He is my husband, my Master, my true love, my soul mate and I love Him with all my heart.  

Hug-me-Darling

And as an added bonus….I think today, as hard as it was to go through, and with plenty of Masters help, got me one step closer to my dream….. 🙂

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Honest Blogging (Part 2 – the bad times)

womanoncouch

Second, on my proverbial examination table, which I’m now turning into a comfy psychiatrists couch (because it’s much more about strong internal emotions and feelings), is the “bad times” themselves. What constitutes a bad or difficult time in the D/s or M/s lifestyle, why does it happen, and how deep does it run? I can only tell things from my perspective so this may not hold true for all submissives but the following is my thought process.

The difficult times for me come in two separate areas – when I’m struggling with my submission, and when Master has disappointed me. Sometimes they go hand in hand, other times they are independent of each other. Meaning sometimes I’m struggling with my submission when Master is not being the Dominant I need Him to be, other times I’m struggling because I’m having an off day, either because of external factors or because I’m dealing with hormones (you know, the once every 28 days or so kind).

When I’m struggling in my submission it’s hard, for both me and Master. These are the times when I mess up without really meaning to, and sometimes without even understanding how I messed up. These are the times of bad behavior and insolence that I will most definitely regret and beat myself up over later. I’m tired so I reply to a question with more sarcasm or snappiness then I should. Work is crazy hectic so I forget to make that phone call Master asked me to make, or to prep the coffee maker. It’s that time of the month so I’m quicker to take offense to things, get overly sensitive, think too many negative thoughts inside my head, etc, which all leads to a tougher time achieving that submissive, and respectful, state of mind. During these times if Master is quick to correct my disrespectful tone or manner it doesn’t last long. If He sees me struggling because of a rough day and is understanding but encourages me to do better, helps me find solutions, helps out more with the things that need to get done or makes adjustments in order to make my day not so crazy, then we’re good. If He notices that I’m a little more sensitive (and recognizes that it’s at the right timing interval to indicate hormones) and in turn becomes a little more loving, gentle, romantic, and supportive, then those few days pass by with minimal disruption. Sometimes it turns out really nice and He ends up being like my knight in shining armor, saving me from myself – those are the times I love.  There’s nothing that solidifies submissive feelings faster like knowing your Sir/Master can keep it together when you’re losing it (gives you  a huge reason to look up to them and trust in their judgment even more sometimes than your own).  If, however, He is more reactive instead of proactive, takes my behavior as a personal slight or an offense, or ‘gives up’ being my Master for a time (meaning no corrections, leadership, or adjustments to my routine or His mannerisms) because I’m not behaving the way I should, then it hurts us both, all hell breaks loose, and it’s a struggle to get back to where we were.  In either case, the times I struggle are a hard burden for me internally too – leaving me ashamed, sorry, and usually full of remorse.

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As to the other part, when I’m talking about Master disappointing me it runs a lot deeper than that simple statement. I can handle the little times where things don’t go just the way I’d like them to. I can even handle the times where Master makes some mistakes because I love Him and understand that just like me having my off days He sometimes has them too. People are not perfect, and learning how to live in this lifestyle is not a seamless endeavor.   I’m not talking about those times, those times, although difficult, are part of the process of being in a relationship with someone. What I mean by disappointing me is when He has agreed to take on a particular task as my Master, makes plans for me/us, or promises and does not follow through. Or when He has agreed to be a leader, someone I can be proud of and look up to, but then fails to uphold Himself to those standards, get’s lazy, selfish, or acts in a way not becoming of someone in authority.

I had to think about this long and hard and discovered that it goes a lot deeper than mere disappointment. Disappointment is the “feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest”. That would be a description of the little things, mentioned above, that I can actually handle. The difficult times in our lifestyle are more emotional than that, stronger, scarier. So if it’s not really disappointment that gets me so sad, upset, angry, pissed, hurt, desolate, or afraid, then what is it?  Let’s try a different definition. Trust is defined as “the reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confident expectations of something; hope; or the belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc”. Bingo – we have a winner! The difficult times for me don’t stem from disappointment, they stem from a breach in trust!

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Trust is probably the single most important thing in any relationship; you can trust someone without loving them, but you can’t love someone without trusting them. Trust is even more important in a power exchange type of relationship. As a submissive you have to trust your Dominant to consider your best interests as well as their own since they have final say. You have to trust that they will provide what you need even while they take what they want. If you’re into bondage and S&M you have to trust that your Dominant wont truly hurt you or cause irreparable damage to your mind or body during play, especially since you may be in a helpless and vulnerable position. In a true power exchange TRUST IS EVERYTHING, so it makes sense that the most difficult times you will have in this relationship is when one or the other of you, or both, feel as if that trust has been broken.

I’ve talked about trust before, but in some of the next few posts I’m going to elaborate on this quite a bit, with lots of examples and within the context of “bad times”, because I want to make sure I present the really big picture, with lots and lots of details. I want to show just how much the trust issue touches on even the smallest parts of a D/s or M/s lifestyle and how getting that one concept can make it sooooo much better.

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Honest Blogging (Part 1 – the being honest part)

Ever since this subject of blogging honestly came up I’ve been deep in thought over all the aspects of it. That’s what I do – turn a subject over and over in my mind (probably a little too often, thank gods I’m awesome at multitasking or I’d get nothing else done!) until I can fully understand it. Being raised the way I was I’m also blessed with the ability to step outside the emotional aspects and view it simply for what a situation is. This ability was extremely important here because there were a lot of emotions tied to this subject.

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First, on my proverbial examination table, was why do so many often relay the good parts of this lifestyle and leave out the difficult parts or hard times? There is no singular answer, it’s more multifaceted.

  1. It’s hard to relive the moments where you fucked up.  That’s just general human nature – we don’t want to think about the things we did wrong.  In a submissive mind it’s even harder because a majority of the time, when we do something wrong, we’ve already beat ourselves up inside our own minds, repeatedly and with great fervor.
  2.  When we retell the event we relive it in our mind.  Why in the world would we want to relive that again?  We want to be the “good girl”, and get the praise and adoration from our Sir, we thrive on it.  When we are not the “good girl” we are extremely disappointed in ourselves so it’s not something easily shared or something we want to dwell on.
  3. We don’t want to admit that our Dominants made a mistake, partly because it seems disrespectful, partly because we don’t really want to think about it.  We put our Dominants on a pedestal – we want them to be our rock, our strength, in control of us (especially when we can’t be) as well as themselves, a true leader, always.  When they are not it hurts, we become disappointed, and somehow, to tell that to others, just seems wrong.
  4. We are supportive.  Just like a co-pilot to a Pilot, the second in command to the Captain, the vice-president to the President, our role in a D/s or M/s relationship is that of providing support, even when we don’t fully agree with them.  Relaying mistakes your Dominant makes doesn’t feel like a supportive endeavor.  Part of that support is in their public image so retelling events that, even in a small way, make them seem less capable or perfect, is a hard thing to do.

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Now, in order to blog about this lifestyle honestly you have to get past all that. How do you overcome those things that keep you from being totally honest?

  1. One of the benefits to being a submissive and living in a D/s or M/s relationship is that when you fuck up, you serve your punishment, and then you let it go.   For those of us who internally berate and belittle ourselves for the mistakes we make, this aspect of the lifestyle is a godsend!  (There is a huge message for Dominants here which I will elaborate on in another post).  So consider the retelling of these events as further training – you have to learn to let it go and move on.  Also admitting that you’re not infallible will help new or emerging submissives understand that it’s not all roses and rainbows.  You don’t discover your submission and find that you’re instantly perfect at it.  You’re going to mess up and that’s ok as long as you learn from it and strive to do better.
  2. You may not have been a “good girl” in those moments, but you served your punishment, you learned from it, and in being honest, you can be a “good girl” now by helping others. Again, it can also be further training in accepting yourself, letting go of failures, and moving on.
  3. Dominants, for all their glory in our minds, are also human.  As humans we all make mistakes and that’s part of the process, it’s how you get better. Moving from a vanilla lifestyle to a D/s or M/s one takes work.  There are a lot of prior habits, learned behaviors and concepts, that need to be overcome.  For submissives it’s hard not to keep your disappointments bottled up but you need to talk about them as it’s one of the main ways your Dominant can grow and become a better leader for you.  Just do it in a respectful way. For Dominants, can you imagine thinking that every other Dominant out there is getting it right the first time and for some reason you keep making mistakes?  What an awful hit to your confidence.  Knowing that other’s make mistakes is an amazing reassurance that you are on the right path you just have to keep working at it to get to what’s right for the two of you.  And I’m quite sure in retelling mistakes you would also be telling eventual solutions, which might save others a lot of lost time and heart-wrenching trial and error.
  4. There’s a difference between being supportive and being co-dependent or enabling.  If a Pilot is about to make a serious error it’s the co-pilot’s job to tell them, sort of like a back-up plan or a method of checks and balances.  Otherwise you run the risk of ‘going down with the plane’ in an accident that could have been prevented. As an extreme example, if the Pilot of the plane I was on showed up drunk to work I would hope the co-pilot had enough resolve (and balls) to tell someone before take off!  Part of what helps us to be a better person is our public image.  When you never talk about the mistakes or mishaps you are, in a way, pretending that they don’t exist.  In a sense you are enabling bad behavior, choices, or occurrances, and not fulfilling your duties as a supportive partner. To always try to present your Dominant as a perfect being is not realistic, or healthy, for anyone.  Plus a good Dominant is not selfish or egotistical, and understands that they are human and willing to admit their mistakes and move on.  They are also the “Hero’s” so would see the benefit in telling about the mistakes, and solutions, if it helps to ‘rescue’ others. 

Whether you are a submissive writing the blog or a Dominant writing the blog, you have to look at blogging honestly as a way to grow, a way to help others, and not something to fear. Any submissive or Dominant worth their weight in gold will be ok with you telling about both the good and the bad because they can see the bigger picture. And truth be told, you always have the buffer of being ‘anonymous’ to help assist with more honest sharing so why not? In poker this would be a ‘call’ so it’s time to lay ALL your cards on the table, not just the perfect one’s you want everyone to know you have.

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So I guess I’m not a “Good girl” after all….hehehe

While doing some research I found some images that were too good not to share.  So much for being a good girl!  😉

HowBad

Very…very…bad (or at least kinky)!

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Yep, but only bad in the best sense of the word….

DontStop

Oh how many times have I said this….in the second way….

Only good girls

So that’s why I never could keep up with a diary….

GetEaten

Just….just…lol – good one!

Blush

Oh yeah….definitely been there done that!

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So very glad I have a Master that knows…..  😉

 

 

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Blogging Honesty

theagingsub had a great post the other day, titled Keeping the Faith, that was mainly about the joy in having your Dominant “get it” and how good it feels to know you are truly understood. But another thing she mentioned got me thinking and it was the part about telling the highs AND the lows, not blogging just the “highlights reel”. I think I’m guilty of this. I mean most of my blog is presented more like information, helpful hints, a peek inside a submissive mind, etc, but my personal stories are probably 98% about the good things that happen. Not sure why really…. Maybe it’s that the triumphant, fun, and successful times are a lot easier to relive, and therefore retell, than the difficult times. Maybe it’s because when you tell about your mistakes and problems it leaves you even more vulnerable, open, raw, and that fear is hard to overcome.

However, when your main purpose is to try and help others, or even just as a creative outlet, it’s almost necessary. It occurs to me that people can learn just as much from someone else’s mistakes, problems, and failed attempts as they can from a person’s successes, achievements, and wins. While the hard times are difficult, tedious, and often embarrassing to tell they are just as important as the good times that are fun, amazing, and joyous to relay.

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A blog about this lifestyle, that doesn’t give you some examples of difficult times, is akin to all those children’s fairy tales about Prince Charming and a hidden beauty riding off into the sunset and living happily ever after. You hear too many of those as a child then when you grow up, have a relationship, and it’s not perfect, you think something’s wrong. Every relationship has issues and takes work, especially an M/s or D/s relationship. The rewards are great mind you, but it’s not without it’s hard times and those should be shared as well.

So I’m going to make a concerted effort to give a few more honest life examples in my posts, of both the good AND the difficult. Besides, this lifestyle demands total and complete honesty, so any blog about it should do the same, right?

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And I want to give a great big THANK YOU shout out to all of you out in blog-land that are “keeping it real”! I know sometimes it’s difficult to open yourself up to the world but in doing so you help many, many others to know they are not alone and that is a beautiful thing!

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Rituals and “Bad Master!”

In a D/s or M/s dynamic rituals can be very important. A ritual is something that is done, on a repetitive basis, with a certain intent or focus and it can help a submissive/slave stay in that mindset even when other parts of life are going crazy. Whether the rituals are simple or complex, short or lengthy, really depend on the couple and what you are trying to achieve.

For a while I’ve had the ritual of kneeling beside the bed at night and asking for permission to get into bed with Master. Sometimes I kneel only for a couple of minutes, ask, and He grants permission. Other times I kneel longer. Sometimes we talk, other times I just lay my head in His lap while we watch something on TV and He plays with my hair. Other times I just rest my head, atop my crossed arms, on the bed and simply breath/wait while He’s finishing up something on His phone or laptop. There have been a couple times where He’s told me to get into bed and I’ve asked if I could kneel a little longer because I knew I needed it (see what a good slave I am? Hehe). I like this ritual because it helps me find my center. I could have a crazy hectic day, even start to get a little bratty, but when I kneel there, beside His bed, just before bedtime, it gives me the time and space I need to let it all go and just exist, just be His, and not worry about anything else.

Soooo….given that ritual was such a success, because there’s nothing like ending my day in total submission, I asked if I could have a ritual for in the morning. I could see multiple benefits to this. First of all because it means I get to also start every day with a feeling of submission. Second, I am not, like the world is not flat kind of not – meaning there is no question here, most definitely not a morning person, so having a morning ritual, that I had to perform, would get me out of bed and at least on my way to waking up.

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Master and I discussed it and He decided that He would wake me up and tell me it was time to kneel. I would get up out of bed, go to His side of the bed, and kneel for a few minutes while I woke up. Once I feel I’m awake enough for walking down stairs to be an actual possibility and not endanger my life, I am to ask if I could go make His coffee (a further way to get me moving and motivated). Although the getting up part was daunting, it sounded good to me because my deeper goal was starting my day in submission to Him.

The first few days went splendidly. Well, not exactly splendidly as, like I said, I am not a morning person, but it had the desired effect. Then a few mornings later I was semi-awoken to Master telling me He loved me, giving me a kiss on the head and then leaving the bedroom. The seconds ticked by like hours inside my head as I slowly inched my way up out of pre-morning haze and then it hit me full force – Wait Just a Cotton Pickin’ Minute! Hold up! Something’s not right. I got out of bed, threw my robe on and stumbled down over the stairs. About half way down I could see Him standing in the kitchen and when He turned and saw me He said “Hey baby, what are you doing?” Oh if submissive looks could kill! I shot Him one of those “I’m far from happy” looks (maybe I shouldn’t have but hey, I was still half awake), turned, and headed back up the stairs. To be honest what I really wanted to do was stomp my foot, point at Him, and proclaim “Bad Master!” and then storm off. It may sound childish but that is exactly how I felt. The only thing that stopped me was one of our wee-one’s sitting on the couch awaiting their ride to school.

I reached the bedroom and plunked my ass on the edge of the bed, rubbing my eyes. I could hear Him coming up the stairs and thought I was possibly going to get chastised for that look I threw His way but I didn’t care. He came into the bedroom, sat beside me, put His arm around me and asked what was wrong. “You forgot” I mumbled, and believe me it was a mumble since it had to pass over my pouty lips and through His shoulder which I had leaned into. That’s when it hit Him. He chuckled a little, presumably at the childish behavior coming from a grown woman, rubbed my back, and apologized. He promised He wouldn’t forget again and He has kept that promise so I’m fully recovered and one happy woman. Well, maybe not exactly thrilled (see – not morning person) but we’ve done the ritual ever since.

I don’t think He realized until just that moment, how very important that ritual had become for me. Like the bedtime ritual, the morning ritual had become a way for me to start my day being who I am (His), and center myself in preparation for everything else that would come along throughout the rest of the day. Do I still want Him to wake me up with sex? Oh hell yeah! Anytime! (PS – love morning sex!) Do I still want to have some of that cuddle time in the morning, when He wraps His arms around me and I can feel His skin against mine, feel His every breath? Mmmm hmmm. But when He finally says “It’s time to kneel” that’s when I truly start my day.

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Rituals don’t always go perfectly, even one’s you’ve been doing for a while (this morning would be another example, which was on me this time but that’s another post), but they are important, will become like second nature over time, and can be very effective. Whether or not they are simple or elaborate is completely up to you, but either way the benefit can be huge. And like your relationship they may evolve. You may have to make changes, adjustments, or even throw them out completely and try something different if they’re not working at all. The key is to keep them consistent (ie don’t forget), to make them doable (ie no head stands unless you’re a gymnast), and to make sure they have a purpose that is meaningful.

Kneeling each morning and every night are my two favorite rituals, and now that I’ve been doing them for a while I’d have to say they mean the world to me and I’d feel lost without them….which, coincidently, is exactly how you know they’re good ones. 😉

 

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