Trust is paramount in this type of lifestyle! And along with being so very important it is also a very large portion of why this type of relationship can be stronger than most vanilla relationships. There are also many levels to this trust.
In the dynamic itself trust has to be there, earned and given, from both perspectives. Since she is giving up control a submissive/slave needs to be able to trust in a Dominants/Masters judgment – ALWAYS. There may be times where Sir gives you a task that you really don’t want to do, or makes a decision that you might not agree with, but either way you have to be able to swallow that and trust that He is doing what is best for the two of you and/or the family. He may push your limits but you have to trust that He will not push too far or cause you physical or mental harm. A Dominant earns that trust by proving Himself to be a man of good judgment and a man who is not selfish. This doesn’t mean He won’t make mistakes, after all we are still human, but He will be man enough to admit them and always strive to be the best He can be. He will also earn that trust by always striving to make good decisions – look at it from all angles, ask for His submissives input, and do His research instead of making rash decisions.
A Dominant/Master needs to be able to trust in His submssives/slaves good judgment and obedience, even when He is not there. He needs to be able to trust His submissive to back Him up in His decisions and support Him in His effort to step into such a stressful role. A Dominant also needs to trust His submissive to tell Him the truth when something is wrong physically or if something is too much emotionally. You can’t fake an injury or whine about something just to get out of a task. Part of a Dominants role is to push your limits, overcome your fears or inhibitions, and not being honest can undermine the whole process. By the same tune you also can’t sit there, shut up, and take it if something is really too much – He trusts you to let Him know so He can do the best possible job of keeping you safe. A submissive earns that trust by always being honest (even when it may mean discipline), supporting His decisions even when you would decide otherwise, and by not taking advantage of the fact that He cares about you and therefore manipulating Him so you can get your own way. (In BDSM play trust and honesty are a definite must but I’m going to put that into another post all its own.)
Trying to incorporate this lifestyle into a loving relationship also brings another level of trust, a trust born from pure unadulterated honesty. In this type of relationship there is no room for hiding – anything. Both Dominants and submissives have to be like open books, otherwise how can either one of you make the best decisions possible. I’m sitting here trying to figure out the best way to describe this because there are some very fine lines mixed in. I’m just going to throw a bunch of stuff out there and hopefully in the end it gets the point across, just please excuse me if it’s a little jumbled.
Since trust is such a huge part of a M/s or D/s dynamic you, as an individual, have to be someone your partner can trust. One of your biggest expectations is you can completely trust each other because you are going to say and do things together that you will not be doing with or saying to anyone else. You will be sharing your most intimate thoughts, moments, dreams, and desires and in order to do that, in order to let go in that way, you have to truly trust someone. If either of you are deleting text messages, surfing the net on your phone or computer “incognito”, deleting histories, spending money you shouldn’t be and then hiding the receipts, or in any other way shape or form not being honest with your partner than that is what you need to work on first because there’s no room for it in a truly successful lifestyle like this. I have major trust issues because of past relationships, a lot of people do, but with every way that Master has been open and honest with me it’s helped me to release some of those fears and learn to trust in Him completely. It may take time and work but it can be done.
Here comes one of those fine lines – Now I know there is also this thing called privacy, and everyone should have at least a little, I’m not saying you can’t. What I’m saying is you should be able to have it but not really need it. If you’re hiding something from your partner it means you feel like you probably shouldn’t be doing it – so just don’t do it. Or talk about it and you may find it’s perfectly acceptable for your partner and therefore nothing to hide. If you have a truly loving relationship built on total trust, and you know and accept each other in a way that you’ve never shared with anyone else, then there shouldn’t be anything you have to hide. And when you have that ultimate trust the moments of privacy happen because no matter what your partner is doing you know you can trust them so the privacy becomes easy to give.
Fine line #2 – passwords. Master and I know some of each other’s passwords to things like emails, accounts, etc, simply because we’ve had to sign in for each other on different occasions (or sometimes in my case because Master is more tech savvy than I am so He sets some things up for me – thank you again Master!) but do I know all His passwords and does He know mine? Nope. Do we need to? Again, nope. But I know if I ever asked for one He’d give it to me, and vice versa – that’s the trust part that creates the privacy part. I just haven’t needed to ask.
And finally fine line #3 – openness within the roles of D/s or M/s. As a Dominant or Master you shouldn’t have to explain your actions to anyone, even your submissive/slave. You are in control because she’s handed it to you, she trusts you enough to let you take the reins. So, for example, while you may demand to see her phone and go through her messages, as a show of your Dominance and the fact that you can, remember that as a submissive she won’t have the same luxury, and won’t feel she has a right to ask. While you may request all of her passwords (not saying you need to but it is something some Dominants do) she doesn’t feel she can request the same, that’s simply not a demand a submissive puts on her Sir because it’s too much like being in control and she’s already handed that over. Selfish Dominants might think that’s awesome, they can do what they wish and not ever have to worry about having the same demands, or surveillance, placed on them. Don’t mistake not having to explain yourself for not having to consider what you do. In fact I think in some ways it may be harder for Dominants in this respect because it takes more self control. A good Dominant won’t ever have to explain themselves or their actions not because they don’t have to within the roles of the dynamic, but because they act accordingly. They maintain the self control it takes to be a man that she can trust completely, regardless of whether or not she’s able to see it for herself. Being a good Dominant, being in control, means not only holding your submissive to a higher level of expectation, it means holding yourself to one as well. She has given you her submission, she wants to serve you, please you, make your life easier any way she can, and if you’ve helped create the right mindset she will jump at the chance to do whatever you wish her to do – be a man that’s worthy of all that.
And if you ever want to win brownie points, and get some ‘my Master is the most awesome man that ever walked the earth’ energy, understand that there are times when she may want to know, be curious, or need some added assurances but, again, doesn’t feel she has a right to ask – it’s part of the dynamic. Every once in a while hand her your phone or computer, tell her for the next 30 minutes she is allowed to go through whatever she wishes and discuss with you anything that might make her uncomfortable. Tell her it’s a way for you to get to know her and how she feels more deeply, to build up her trust in you, or to test her abilities for ferreting out information. This trust building technique can spill into other areas too – she may really need some down time, some relaxation without having to focus on the service mindset, but she might not be able to ask for it while in submission mindset. Recognize this is part of the dynamic and every once in a while demand that she go take a bath or relax, or go hang out with her friends, or just take a night off from her duties and do something she enjoys while you handle the supper dishes, the kids, or whatever. It will help her to trust in the fact that as a good Dominant you are looking out for her best interest too. Giving her some times like this will add a whole new level to her wanting to please you, no matter what you demand of her, because she will trust you, and your judgment, even more.
In order to pull off a successful M/s or D/s dynamic, one that becomes beneficial to both partners, trust has to be there. Trust keeps you safe, emotionally, mentally and physically. Trust allows you to stretch your limits, explore, and share in a way you’ve never been able to with anyone else. Trust has to be both given and earned, by both parties. It can make it easier to Dominate and easier to submit. If you don’t have an extreme amount of trust a lifestyle with a true power exchange will be next to impossible because someone will always be holding something back. And why in the world would you want to hold anything back when you could be having so much fun instead?!