Good Dominants Give Good Aftercare

Atercare is more important than you think.  There are a lot of emotions involved in submitting to someone, handing over total control.   You need to learn when to baby your submissive.  We aren’t just there to do the housework, tend to your needs, and hand out sexual favors like Halloween candy.    There may be a lot of times where we want to be used, made to feel like your prized possession, controlled, and dominated but we also want to feel like you respect us as a person.  We need to know that you will take care of us both emotionally and physically, because how else can we trust you enough to just hand over the reigns and ‘do as we’re told’?

Predominantly in a 24/7 Master/slave dynamic the transfer of control is something that happens all the time but mostly like an underground current.  It remains there in your daily life but it doesn’t always make itself visible.  For all outward appearances, a majority of the time you may seem like every other vanilla couple.  But then there are times where the transfer of control is VERY present.  In rough sex play, bondage, the handing out of discipline or punishment, and other times, the heightened emotions that come with a total control transfer are compounded.  This is when aftercare is needed the most.

Think of aftercare as a way to truly show your submissive that you appreciate her submission, to recognize the fact that she trusts you so much she’s willing to put her life in your hands, to pay homage to the fact that it is her submission that gives you the strength to be a real Master – not just of your world but hers as well.  She will do ANYTHING for you, adore you, worship you, and give you the freedom, and the courage, to be the leader in a world that doesn’t exactly encourage it.  When you experience a time of extremely evident power conversion she needs to know that you are always there for her and will always take care of her.

Aftercare can involve many things.  Whispered I love you’s or I appreciate you’s.  Reassurance that everything is ok or, in the case of a punishment, that you still love her, she is not a bad person, and that her indiscretion is forgiven and it’s time to move on.  Offer her a glass of water or something to drink.  Hold her if she cries.  Let her know you are not going anywhere.  Rub her back, play with her hair, or any number of those things you know she likes and that help her relax.  After scenes, bondage, or rough sex play, especially if it induces sub-zone, she needs some time to adjust to going back into the ‘real world’ and as her Master you need to help her make that transition as smoothly and comfortably as possible so she will completely trust you when it happens again.

This is not the time to roll over after sex and fall asleep.  It’s not the time to dish out the punishment and then say ‘ok now get back to work’.  It’s not the time to make a phone call, turn on the tv, or attend to something else you wanted to do.  Know that aftercare is a real necessity and plan in time for that when you know it will be needed.

I need aftercare every time without fail – after sex, after “play” or a scene, after punishment or discipline.  It’s my way of knowing Master still loves me, isn’t upset with me, or just because I need that calm and soothing connection to Him as I drift back into the regular world.  If you claim to be a Dom who is experienced and you’re not giving aftercare, there’s something seriously wrong.  If your new to the lifestyle make sure you do your research and discuss it together with your sub.  Don’t assume she won’t need it because I’m telling you, she will.  The type or amount of aftercare can be different for everyone, and even different depending on what it’s coming after, just remember it’s necessary because it helps her feel grounded, safe, and mentally ok.  She will trust you more, adore you more, and even want to please you more, if she knows she means so much to you that you take the time to make sure she’s alright.  Not getting aftercare can do some real damage.

ThickSkinWeakHeart

As a Master you are charged with both her physical and mental well being.  Your prized possession isn’t worth as much if it’s broken – so please don’t break it.

Note – I’ve geared this post mostly to Dominants but if you’re a submissive and reading this please remember if you are not getting the aftercare you need discuss it with your Dom.  Don’t try to be strong and just get through it, don’t think that you’re doing Him any favors by not letting Him know that you need it.  Aftercare is not a want, it’s a need, to your emotional well being and if that need is not met it will grow in intensity and it will affect your ability to submit.  My point is, it will do more damage in the long run so don’t be afraid to mention or talk about it.

 

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30 Responses to Good Dominants Give Good Aftercare

  1. dievca says:

    Excellent advice.

  2. Maren Smith says:

    Reblogged this on Maren Smith and commented:
    Excellent post! Reblogging.

  3. Very well said. When aftercare doesn’t happen, it can be hard (as the submissive) to know it’s all right to ask for it.

    • Luna says:

      I suffered with this realization – in fact I still suffer with it from time to time. As a submissive or slave you feel like you’re not supposed to ask for much and you often go without wants and put your focus on your Dominant/Master. The hard part is how do you then tell the difference between a want and a need? And once you’ve figured that one out how do you know whether or not you’re supposed to ask, or even how to ask? I’ve gotten enough similar comments/responses from this post that I think one of my upcoming posts will be on exactly this topic.
      Thank you for your kind words and for stopping by – it is appreciated!

  4. Pingback: Good Dominants Give Good Aftercare | Wine, Coffee, Life

    • Luna says:

      Thank you angieia! Thanks for reading! 🙂

      • angieia says:

        You have a lot of really good advice in your post. My husband wants me to submit and do more things with him, but he doesn’t get the aftercare part of it. I tried to submit a few times, but feel kind of crappy afterwards cause he walks away and does his own thing. I wish that I had someone I could talk to about things like this. I am finally opening up and leaving posts on blogs and learning more things.

        • Luna says:

          I have discovered there really is a good online community for this type of relationship right here within the blog-world. I am glad you are opening up to this world, letting your voice be heard, and finding the information you need. And for those of us who are blogging in an effort to reach out and help, questions are definitely welcome as they give us more ideas for posts that may help others as well – so ask away. How does that old saying go? When you ask a question you may feel dumb for a moment, but when you never ask you feel dumb for a lifetime….. 😉

  5. Franco Bolli says:

    Love this post very much.

  6. Franco Bolli says:

    Reblogged this on Princess and I and commented:
    Aftercare is something I treasure because it brings both partners very close to one another.

    • Luna says:

      Oh you are so right! I love the rough play, the structure, and yes even sometimes the discipline (because I need it), and I love the compulsion to kneel at Master’s feet, but my favorite way to connect by far is through aftercare. As a submissive it makes me feel safe, secure, cared for, and….honored. In Master’s arms is truly my favorite place in the world.
      Thank you for reblogging, the more people I can help with my words the happier I am! 🙂

      • Franco Bolli says:

        Just a small note about my reblogging, as the function works only with my now obsolete blog. So I copied and pasted and linked it on my blog at SirFrancoBolli.org and I am happy to see some friends of me picked up your piece too 🙂

        • Luna says:

          Whatever way works is good – but thank you very much for letting me know. I am truly grateful that it struck a chord with so many and they are finding the information useful. It makes my heart sing….

  7. Pingback: REBLOG – Good Dominants Give Good Aftercare #ASMSG #dec #BDSM | Princess and I

  8. SouthernSir says:

    An excellent post and one which should be reminded of often.
    Aftercare should never be an after-thought.

    • Luna says:

      Thank you for the kind words Southern Sir. There are a few blogs from Dominants that I read on a regular basis and yours is one of them. I truly enjoy how much your adoration for little flower comes through in your writing and how much work you put into being a good Sir for her. Both are very respectable and your thoughts and feedback are always welcome here. Enjoy your Christmas holiday with your little flower!

  9. Reblogged this on thekinkyworldofvile and commented:
    This is a reblog about aftercare. My good friend Franco Bolli, which he reblogged from Luna, now I am reblogging to help get the word out about aftercare and the need.

    • Luna says:

      Thank you for reposting! As I replied to Southern Sir’s comment above, there are a few blogs from Dominants that I read on a regular basis and yours is one of them as well. Master and I enjoy your posts (and now arianna’s as well) so your reblog of my post truly means a lot. Thank you for helping me to touch even more people with my ‘voice’ – it is most appreciated!

  10. JoanneBest says:

    Thank you for your excellent post, as someone who is a complete newbie it’s wonderful to find information I need to know, I am so grateful I found you. I look forward to spending a lot of time reading your posts 🙂

    • Luna says:

      Thank you Joanne and welcome to the blog and the wonderful world of submission! And I’m glad you look forward to “spending a lot of time reading” as I can often be very ‘long-winded’. 🙂
      Your comments and feedback are always welcome and never be afraid to ask a question if you have one (or many)!

  11. Rubber Bound Princess says:

    Truly great post, I have first hand experience of really needing the connection you talk of, thank you for this, it made me feel normal in my needs xx

  12. Dawn D says:

    This is beautifully written. I am not into the lifestyle, but I realise how important aftercare is. I have never experienced intense bondage scenes, but even after a long and intense sexual play, I realised that I tend to feel unwell if I don’t get a little bit of something. For me, considering where I am, just a big hug (in person when we’re together, virtual when we played through the phone) is a must. I get cold, sad, generally ‘off’ if I don’t get it. It took me a few times to realise that, but now we both know that I need it and I was also reassured I can always ask for it.
    Thank you for getting the word out. It’s an important one to share.

    • luna says:

      Sex, especially great sex, is filled with a lot of complex emotions and the release of many different chemicals/hormones. Amazing sex can even be like a utopian high. So it makes sense that even those outside the lifestyle need that way to become grounded, go back to the real world, after sex. With bondage I think it’s even more needed because you have to shift from that deliciously helpless-giving someone total trust-dependent-loss of control euphoria, back to that world where you need to be a little more in control of yourself, but I can definitely see your point of it being needed, to some degree, in any lifestyle.
      I think with any sex, especially with someone you love, there is that transition needed, from being two people intertwined into one emotionally charged essence, back into your separate selves. It almost feels like a loss doesn’t it?
      Thanks for reading and commenting! I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts. 🙂

      • Dawn D says:

        I love the way you put this

        “from being two people intertwined into one emotionally charged essence, back into your separate selves.”

        Though I say I’m not in the lifestyle, I did have some of those experiences of total letting go. Of giving my body over for someone else to enjoy. Over and over again. And yes, it’s after those experiences that I need the most to be held and taken care of. When I receive such pleasure, it’s still hard for me to see it as a gift I give as well as a gift I receive. I feel very selfish still. But reading you, I’m starting to realise that it’s a gift I give him as well, to accept to let go in that way, to relinquish all controls. Thank you for helping me see that a bit better 🙂

        And you are right. When I’m in that magical state, I don’t ever want it to end. When it does it must be like a loss, though I’d never thought about it this way before. But I’ll try to look more into it next time I do 🙂

        Thank you.

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