Ever since this subject of blogging honestly came up I’ve been deep in thought over all the aspects of it. That’s what I do – turn a subject over and over in my mind (probably a little too often, thank gods I’m awesome at multitasking or I’d get nothing else done!) until I can fully understand it. Being raised the way I was I’m also blessed with the ability to step outside the emotional aspects and view it simply for what a situation is. This ability was extremely important here because there were a lot of emotions tied to this subject.
First, on my proverbial examination table, was why do so many often relay the good parts of this lifestyle and leave out the difficult parts or hard times? There is no singular answer, it’s more multifaceted.
- It’s hard to relive the moments where you fucked up. That’s just general human nature – we don’t want to think about the things we did wrong. In a submissive mind it’s even harder because a majority of the time, when we do something wrong, we’ve already beat ourselves up inside our own minds, repeatedly and with great fervor.
- When we retell the event we relive it in our mind. Why in the world would we want to relive that again? We want to be the “good girl”, and get the praise and adoration from our Sir, we thrive on it. When we are not the “good girl” we are extremely disappointed in ourselves so it’s not something easily shared or something we want to dwell on.
- We don’t want to admit that our Dominants made a mistake, partly because it seems disrespectful, partly because we don’t really want to think about it. We put our Dominants on a pedestal – we want them to be our rock, our strength, in control of us (especially when we can’t be) as well as themselves, a true leader, always. When they are not it hurts, we become disappointed, and somehow, to tell that to others, just seems wrong.
- We are supportive. Just like a co-pilot to a Pilot, the second in command to the Captain, the vice-president to the President, our role in a D/s or M/s relationship is that of providing support, even when we don’t fully agree with them. Relaying mistakes your Dominant makes doesn’t feel like a supportive endeavor. Part of that support is in their public image so retelling events that, even in a small way, make them seem less capable or perfect, is a hard thing to do.
Now, in order to blog about this lifestyle honestly you have to get past all that. How do you overcome those things that keep you from being totally honest?
- One of the benefits to being a submissive and living in a D/s or M/s relationship is that when you fuck up, you serve your punishment, and then you let it go. For those of us who internally berate and belittle ourselves for the mistakes we make, this aspect of the lifestyle is a godsend! (There is a huge message for Dominants here which I will elaborate on in another post). So consider the retelling of these events as further training – you have to learn to let it go and move on. Also admitting that you’re not infallible will help new or emerging submissives understand that it’s not all roses and rainbows. You don’t discover your submission and find that you’re instantly perfect at it. You’re going to mess up and that’s ok as long as you learn from it and strive to do better.
- You may not have been a “good girl” in those moments, but you served your punishment, you learned from it, and in being honest, you can be a “good girl” now by helping others. Again, it can also be further training in accepting yourself, letting go of failures, and moving on.
- Dominants, for all their glory in our minds, are also human. As humans we all make mistakes and that’s part of the process, it’s how you get better. Moving from a vanilla lifestyle to a D/s or M/s one takes work. There are a lot of prior habits, learned behaviors and concepts, that need to be overcome. For submissives it’s hard not to keep your disappointments bottled up but you need to talk about them as it’s one of the main ways your Dominant can grow and become a better leader for you. Just do it in a respectful way. For Dominants, can you imagine thinking that every other Dominant out there is getting it right the first time and for some reason you keep making mistakes? What an awful hit to your confidence. Knowing that other’s make mistakes is an amazing reassurance that you are on the right path you just have to keep working at it to get to what’s right for the two of you. And I’m quite sure in retelling mistakes you would also be telling eventual solutions, which might save others a lot of lost time and heart-wrenching trial and error.
- There’s a difference between being supportive and being co-dependent or enabling. If a Pilot is about to make a serious error it’s the co-pilot’s job to tell them, sort of like a back-up plan or a method of checks and balances. Otherwise you run the risk of ‘going down with the plane’ in an accident that could have been prevented. As an extreme example, if the Pilot of the plane I was on showed up drunk to work I would hope the co-pilot had enough resolve (and balls) to tell someone before take off! Part of what helps us to be a better person is our public image. When you never talk about the mistakes or mishaps you are, in a way, pretending that they don’t exist. In a sense you are enabling bad behavior, choices, or occurrances, and not fulfilling your duties as a supportive partner. To always try to present your Dominant as a perfect being is not realistic, or healthy, for anyone. Plus a good Dominant is not selfish or egotistical, and understands that they are human and willing to admit their mistakes and move on. They are also the “Hero’s” so would see the benefit in telling about the mistakes, and solutions, if it helps to ‘rescue’ others.
Whether you are a submissive writing the blog or a Dominant writing the blog, you have to look at blogging honestly as a way to grow, a way to help others, and not something to fear. Any submissive or Dominant worth their weight in gold will be ok with you telling about both the good and the bad because they can see the bigger picture. And truth be told, you always have the buffer of being ‘anonymous’ to help assist with more honest sharing so why not? In poker this would be a ‘call’ so it’s time to lay ALL your cards on the table, not just the perfect one’s you want everyone to know you have.