A heart-wrenching, emotionally draining, painful and most amazingly wonderful thing happened today and although I’m a little exhausted I had to put it out there. I had been having a rough time emotionally, inside my head, these last few days. Digging deep and writing about trust touched on one of my most difficult issues.
Without going into too much detail (because it would take days) I need to set the stage with the fact that one of the persistent issues I have is trust, complete and total trust. I have good reason to be hesitant with trust because of my past. I have never been able to really truly trust anyone, not when I was a kid, not when I became an adult and had relationships, never. I was perpetually let down, not taken care of, lied to, put in danger, and I’ve lived a life of not feeling safe, at times physically, more often emotionally. I had picked up the broken pieces of my heart so many times I didn’t think it would ever be whole again, and trusting someone, really trusting someone, seemed like an impossible task. However, I always held out hope, somewhere deep inside, that someday I would be able to trust someone. For some reason I couldn’t give up on that dream, but it was a daily fight to keep it.
Then I met Master and something just clicked. That part of me, deep inside, jumped for joy and for the first time in over ten years I actually entertained the idea of getting married again. When He asked, I said yes without even thinking about it, and it felt good. Neither one of us had been in a D/s relationship so the fact that we started that journey together made our bond so much stronger. Even though we had the monumental task of blending families, entering into marriage again, combining households, and trying to fully incorporate a D/s lifestyle all at the same time, we’ve had our ups and downs but we’ve steadily made progress. Master knew trust was a hard thing for me but even so He took on the challenge and promised me He would make me trust Him. Most days I could hold it together but other days the fear took over and I got scared. At first this was very hard for Master, because He took a lot of the things I tried to express as personal attacks, and would sometimes get defensive. But slowly, and through a lot of communication, the way He handles it has changed and I know He can see it now for what it truly is – I’m just afraid.
Now, getting back to my amazing day. Earlier this week I had an odd thing happen physically/medically and although I tried not to put too much into it, I was already in an emotionally bad state and having it happen just compounded the fear. Today it just got to the point of being too much and I lost it. When Master found me sitting on the bed He asked what was wrong and at first I started blurting out how I couldn’t trust Him, how every time I felt like I was getting close He would do something to lose my trust. I tried not to cry, because I thought I was mad and frustrated, but in the end, just plain feeling heartbroken gave way and the tears started to flow. He didn’t get mad or upset. He didn’t tell me I was crazy. He didn’t deny my feelings, whatever I said they were. He rubbed my arm, just kept telling me He loved me more than He had ever loved anyone, I was the most important thing in His life, He would never knowingly do anything to make me not trust Him, and there would never be anyone else for Him ever. His patience, support, and love finally broke through my anger and frustration, and what was really going on finally clicked inside my head.
I was afraid. Not just a little afraid, I was in complete and total deep-down terror. I was still mad but not at Him, I was mad at all those people from my past that made it so hard for me to trust. I was angry because of what they did to me…..what they took from me. I was deeply afraid that I was too broken to ever be fixed. I was worried that it wouldn’t matter what He did or didn’t do, I was so messed up I would never be able to trust Him completely. All I ever wanted was to find one person in my life that I could trust, to know what total trust felt like before I died, because living a life never being able to trust felt like such a horrible tragedy. I was afraid I would die without ever knowing what total trust felt like. It all came rushing out in uncontrollable sobs. I can’t put down in words how very deep that fear was, how horribly debilitating it felt, how much I was in despair in that moment. My biggest fear was that I was just too broken and it was time to give up on my dream of ever knowing what real trust felt like. I also realized in that moment the dream of wanting to trust someone was my driving force throughout my entire life, it’s what kept me going through all that shit I went through. For me it was the one thing that kept hope alive and it kept that me, the part that wanted to trust, safely tucked away deep inside, waiting for the right moment, the right person, to be free with. I didn’t want to give up on that, but being scared and having to fight that fear so often, was exhausting, and I was tired of it. I cried, so much and so hard, because I felt like my only two choices were to keep having to fight the fear and dealing with the pain and exhaustion associated with it, or just give up and finally admit that I was too broken to ever achieve that goal. I didn’t want to be broken any more, and I didn’t want to be afraid.
Master stood up and made me stand up. Then He held me tight and told me I was not broken and He wouldn’t let me give up on my dream. He wasn’t going to give up on me, or on us, and He wouldn’t let me do it either. He had known what He was getting into from the beginning and although it was admittedly hard sometimes, I was worth it because I was the best thing that ever happened to Him. He wiped away my tears, kissed me, and told me He loved me….forever and always. To which I added, in a small whisper, ‘plus one day’.
He didn’t get mad or defensive, He understood it for what it was – my fear. He gave me validation for my feelings and let me know I wasn’t crazy. He held me tight and pulled me out of my pit of despair, wouldn’t let me give up, and didn’t give up on me. He took control of the situation, chased away my fear, and restored my hope. If I said He was my Hero He would scoff and say He’s no Hero, He’s just himself. If I said He was my knight in shining armor He’d shake His head and roll His eyes like I’m just being foolish. I’m not putting Him on a pedestal (He’d hate that), I know He’s only human, but I really do feel like He is my Hero and my knight in shining armor, especially in times like this when He saves me from myself, chases away my fear, and comforts my despair and I appreciate it more than He will ever know. Above all else He is my husband, my Master, my true love, my soul mate and I love Him with all my heart.
And as an added bonus….I think today, as hard as it was to go through, and with plenty of Masters help, got me one step closer to my dream….. 🙂