Alternative Information Resources

Originally this article started out for Dom’s but I started thinking it works for Sub’s too.

People who are new to the D/s or M/s lifestyle try to devour information like candy on Halloween – in large copious amounts within a very short time frame. You want to learn more and that’s great. Here’s the problem. You discover the BDSM lifestyle, or the D/s or M/s lifestyle, and something in it appeals to you. You want to learn more. So you go to your computer and do a search on BDSM, or Dominant, or submissive. Wahlah! Article after article, blog after blog, website after website, all at your fingertips for your devouring pleasure. You can gain a lot by reading a number of these items (although must warn you some of them are bogus, trash, etc so watch out for those) but the problem is after a while you keep seeing some of the same information over and over again.

If you’re a couple trying to find your way in this lifestyle, you may find that after you’ve devoured all the information, and gone through some trial and error, there’s still some pieces missing. And when you try to figure out what it is all you find is the same information, or not the information that fits quite right, neither of which helps to get you over any lingering dilemma’s.

If you’ve reached this point try something new….broaden your search. There are a number of different resources that can help a Dom or Master be a better Dom or Master and a sub or slave be a better sub or slave, but here’s the catch – you won’t find the information by typing BDSM, Dom, or sub into the search engine.

Part of what makes a Master a great Master is the fact that he is a good leader. (Ah-hah, I saw a light go on) So try typing in “qualities of a good leader”. You’ll probably come across a lot of business articles here but many of the qualities are transferable. Or try “how to be a gentleman”. Part of what makes a Dom a great Dom is his ability to dish out fair and just punishments, guide, and encourage when needed so type in “how to guide/encourage/discipline your teenager”. I don’t mean that last one to be condescending in any way, or to pertain only to “Daddy-BabyGirl” relationships, I’m just saying you have to start looking at the dynamic not the true relationship, in order to get additional information. When you think about it, in a number of ways, a submissive, who has no final say, has to trust in her Dom as her authority figure, both in their relationship and their household, and who is to follow his rules and guidelines, is much like the same dynamic of a teenager and a parent. And admittedly, sometimes I can get so frustrated I can act like a bratty teenager!

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For a sub or slave the same holds true. Don’t keep all your information searches on “how to be submissive”. What are the qualities of submission that you could single out on their own? What does your Sir/Master want you to improve on? Master is trying to help me with some self-image issues and one of the things I said was that I wanted to feel more feminine so now (new rule) I am to dress more feminine. I must admit, in the culture we live in today my first thought was ‘What does that even mean exactly?’ so I typed in “how to be more feminine”. Tah dah! Or if you’re taking on what would be considered a more ‘traditional” (vanilla term I think – hehe) relationship do your research on that.   The 1930’s – 1950’s were huge for portraying women as more feminine, as well as ‘traditional’ relationships, so I started watching old movies from that error just to try to get some ideas.

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My point is, if you want all the information you need, to complete your new lifestyle, look beyond the obvious. Talk to your partner. Find out what qualities your sub thinks make her see you as a more Dominant person. Find out what qualities your Master thinks make him see you as more submissive. Dig a little deeper, broaden your horizons. The information is out there, you just have to know where to look, as well as what you’re truly looking for.

Happy hunting….

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Falling In Love….With Yourself

Do you think negatively about your body? Most women do.

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I will be the first to admit I have self image issues. I have for a very long time. This has a negative effect not only on my way of thinking but also within the contexts of my relationships with other people. Inside my head I have a tendency to give myself negative comments. There are a lot of sexy things I could wear but when I’m having a bad image day “nothing looks good on me”. I pick myself apart on a consistent basis. It affects my relationships on many levels. In business I’m never quite comfortable with even the thought of presenting myself to clients. Even with my friends and family I’m never quite completely relaxed in my own skin, which means I’m never truly me. I don’t go swimming with the kids as often as I’d like because I don’t like myself in a bathing suit. Out in public I am always self conscious and don’t hold eye contact very well, probably because I feel like they are judging me just as hard as I judge myself.   It is pervasive, and can cause a great deal of turmoil, in my relationship with Husband/Sir. If he were to make a comment on how another woman is pretty or whatever, I immediately take it as a hit to my appearance. I feel like I’m not good enough, even though it has nothing to do with me.

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Now here’s the conundrum. I am pretty. I am not obese. I’ve had four kids and I still wear a size 10 jeans (same as what I wore at the end of high school). I’m 5’7” with boobs and hips, and with a waist that’s smaller than my hips. Even though I’m a little over 40 I still turn heads and even get an occasional whistle. I’ve heard MILF whispered a few times when my oldest sons had friends over. You would think, fully knowing and understanding this, it would be enough to make me let it go….but it’s not. I got to thinking about this and started to understand that this negative thought process runs deeper than just my outward appearance. Which also brought me to the realization that it wouldn’t matter what I did – even if I lost 10 pounds, had plastic surgery, made sure my hair and make-up were perfect all the time – I would always think it wasn’t good enough because it’s an internal thought not an external one. I also understood that because of this it didn’t matter how many times someone told me I was beautiful, no matter how many compliments I received, I would never believe them.

 

I also realized I want it to stop. I want to be my true self, without the hang ups, no hiding, no worrying, no negative internal conversations.

So how do you go about changing a strong internal thought like that? It’s not going to be easy, that’s for sure, but…..I have a plan. Often times people concentrate their focus outward, especially those of us with a submissive nature. It’s all about pleasing someone else. I spend my life loving my friends, my family, my kids, and my Sir, I kind of forget that I also have to love myself. I’m still going to make a few lifestyle changes focusing on better health and habits, but more importantly I’m going to fall in love again….with me.

How do you fall in love with yourself? Well I can’t say I have the foolproof plan but I have put some thought into it and decided I would share the possibilities in case it might help someone else in the same predicament. So here goes:

1. Replace the negative put downs with positive compliments. Every time I get that little voice inside my head that picks me apart, or points out a flaw, I’m going to replace it with a better voice that compliments me instead. For example instead of the old voice saying ‘you’re fat’ the new voice will say ‘you’re beautiful’. In the beginning I may not believe it but you know that old saying – Fake It till You Make It – that’s the course of action.

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2. I’ll be the first to admit that I masturbate (when I’m allowed at least) but honestly most times it’s pretty quick. I mean who knows my sweet spots and the exact right motion better than me? And I will also admit that at times I utilize it as a stress reducer. Nothing like a few endorphins coursing through your body to lift your spirits! But I think it’s time for a change in that department too. It’s time to do a little more caressing, touching, appreciating my curves and the softness of my skin, admiring what makes me sexy and feminine, get a little lost in myself for a change. It sounds a little odd, and will probably seem a bit awkward at first, but there’s something tantalizing about the idea and I believe it will work.

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3. I’m going to try occasionally stepping outside of myself and viewing me as an admirer would, seeing myself through my Sir’s eyes instead of my own. I like meditation so being able to step outside of myself is not a difficult task, but I never thought to use it in an effort to see myself from a different perspective. If I was an outsider (meaning not myself) in love with “her” (meaning me), what would I see when I looked at her body, what would I think when I heard her laugh, what is it that makes me so deeply in love with “her”? Hehe, better yet, and on a slightly comical note, what would I say to get “her” in the sack? Lol

4. Turn my non-negative eye not just inward but outward. We’ve all done it. You go to WalMart (because that’s the best place for easy pickings when it comes to thoughts like this), pass by someone, and the thought creeps up; “What were they thinking?”, “He’s so huge!”, “Has she washed her hair ever?”, and a whole host of other condescending remarks. Of course we’re too polite to say them out loud but we say them in our heads (and then chastise ourselves ever so briefly for having the thought). How can I discover beauty in myself if I’m not also trying to find the beauty in others? So the next time I’m out, and I hear the condescending remark coming up, I’m going to stop and pick out one thing in that person that I can admire them for or think is beautiful. It could be something material like ‘they have pretty earrings’, or ‘nice shoes’ or something simple like ‘they have beautiful eyes’, but I have to find something. That’s my new rule.

It’s human nature to fall in love. We all do it at some point. Some of us do it multiple times. But the one person we forget to fall in love with is the one person that we absolutely must live with until we die….ourselves. As conceited as it sounds – it’s time for me to fall in love with me! I think I will do another post in a couple of months as a status update. If anyone else would like to give it a go too maybe we can do a group update! 😉

And now, after such a heavy topic, I will leave this post on a funny note (because I have an awesome sense of humor – which coincidentally is one of the things I love about myself – hehe). Below is a poem (or part of an old children’s song) my wonderfully funny mother taught me when I was a child.

I love me, I think I’m grand!

I go to the movies and hold my hand.

I put my arm around my waist

And when I get fresh I slap my face!

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I’ve been thinking…..

….and thinking, and thinking…..which is good, but not conducive to writing.  🙂  Aside from that,

– my laptop died, got a new one, had to transfer all my items, and now I’m up and running again (finally!),

– been unusually busy trying to get my ‘house’ in order,

– Master and I have had some good revelations and awesome fun, as well as some unexpected bumps with regards to the lifestyle (more on that later),

– been dealing with some financial issues (not sure this one ever goes away),

– and finally getting some much needed sun and Vitamin D.  It appears I have a tendency to hibernate during the deep winter….also not conducive to writing.

At any rate I think I’m ready to put my fingers to the keys again so I am hoping to have a few new posts up in the next couple of days, as well as catch up on some reading of my fellow bloggers posts (something I have missed so very much).  Can’t wait to see how you have all been doing (hope everyone is well!) and can’t wait to get those creative juices flowing again (no pun intended…well, maybe…).

Here’s a teaser….

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No wait, that’s not what I meant….(hehe – mischievous grin)….I meant upcoming posts….

~ Being a Good Leader = Being a Good Master

~ Alternative Information Resources for New Dom’s

~ It’s Not Just What You Say But How You Say It

~ Crossing into “Perversion”, with Love, Lust, and Pride

~ Falling In Love….with Yourself

~ Porn Correlations

~ Submissive Mind – An Inside Look

~ Mary had a little whip….

Be back soon!  **Hugs to all**

~luna

 

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Still here….more to cum…eh hem….I mean come, later

I’m not dead I swear (although it’s a cool concept to think that I could still post to my blog from the great beyond).  My apologies for not posting in a while but the snow is at an all time high, my vitamin D is at an all time low, and my muse has apparently entered the witness protection program…. *sigh

There have been some up’s and some down’s (and some up-down-up-down-up-down’s hehe), and it’s been a little crazy busy with the normal mundane stuff like holiday’s, taxes, school vacations, etc., but I have had some great ideas swimming around in my head.  The new posts will be flowing again soon!  Hope everyone’s been doing well and keeping up with their delicious naughtiness!  😉

Bad Girl

 

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Need a Giggle?

Ok, saw this and couldn’t resist….. little does she know….

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Mmm…hmmmm!

 

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Feminist Movement versus Submission

I’ve read a few posts recently on Feminism and BDSM, which was funny since I had been mulling around that very same topic in my head for a few weeks now.  In one way as it pertains to society as a whole and in another way as it pertains to my growth as a submissive/slave and my Masters as a Dominant.

Feminism, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities, or the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes.  Many people think that by choosing to be a submissive or slave we are going against the feminist movement or don’t believe in this concept altogether. I have to say, at least for myself, that is completely wrong and it pains me to see submissives/slaves ridiculed in that way.

I believe in equality of the sexes.  I think that men and women who work the same job should get the same pay.  I believe that men and women should have the same opportunities, whether it pertains to work, careers, sports, education, or politics.  To say that men or women are “better suited” for one job or another doesn’t always ring true.  I’ve known some women who fit perfectly into the construction world (even some that could bench press their husbands – lol) and some men who are perfectly happy and content being daycare providers for small children.  I don’t think it should be based on what’s between your legs as much as what your abilities are, what you are passionate about, what brings you the most sense of accomplishment, and where you can succeed and give the most back to the world.  In this respect I believe that the feminist movement was aptly motivated and support that portion of the movement whole heartedly.

But in some respects, personally, I think some parts of the movement went a little too far.  There are differences between men and women that can’t be denied.  Physiological differences, thought process differences, muscular and skeletal differences, processing differences, and growth and development differences that can’t all be accounted for in a “my way or the highway” attitude.  And I think in some ways, by trying to encourage the ideal that both sexes are exactly the same, we’ve lost something as a society – the ability to celebrate and enjoy our differences.

It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, gay or straight, transgender or whatever, the biggest thing I believe in is the opportunity to do what feels right for you.  That’s the part of the feminist movement that I feel needs to be celebrated – it opened up opportunities, choices.  The biggest thing the feminist movement brought to me was the knowledge that I could choose, and had the opportunity, to do whatever I set my mind to and was not limited so much by preconceived ideas based on my genitals. The rest, what I or anyone else chooses to do, should be left alone to personal preference, and not scorned by others.

I am a very strong capable woman, and often times in my life was very independent.  I could change my own tires and oil (and a host of other mechanical things), open my own doors, construct my own wood working projects, put shingles on a roof, fix the furnace, lift something heavy, wear pants, and open my own jar lids (Lol).  Often times I did all these things (and more) because I was the only one available to do them.  I didn’t mind doing them, and in a lot of ways each time I learn to do something new I felt a sense of accomplishment, but here’s the thing.  In a lot of ways, by having to do all these things myself, and by being encouraged to ‘do anything a boy can do’ I feel I lost some of my femininity.  I am still a girl, through and through, but pants got a lot more comfortable than skirts or dresses, my fingernails being painted didn’t take priority when I knew I was just going to chip them doing some manual labor task anyway, and I forgot to celebrate the very essence of being a woman….just a woman.  Because of this one of my biggest challenges recently has been getting back in touch with that feminine side, the way I walk, dress, etc.  I am having to relearn how to celebrate being the soft, tender, curvy, and sensuous woman I always was.

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I also think that when a woman can do all these things for herself it in some ways can emasculate the men they are with.  I know for a fact that happened quite a bit in my previous relationships.  I got used to doing things on my own so even when I didn’t have to it became sort of like habit – easier just to do it myself than to ask someone else.   I’m sure many of the men in my past wondered what they could offer me when I made more money than they did, could fix my own car, could manage the entire household on my own, fix the leak under the kitchen sink, shingle the roof, cut and split the wood, and open my own jars.  I am not saying don’t learn how to do these things.  I think every woman should know how to change their own tire, etc, but when you’re in a relationship remember that you have a counterpart, a partner, that needs to feel “needed” to.  Learn the very important lesson of – Just because you know how to doesn’t mean you always should.

This is the part where I also have to interject that in some ways the hardcore feminist movement might have stripped men of some of their own individuality.  I wanted a man who was strong and capable, who could be a leader and authoritative.  I wanted him to have a soft side of course, but to also maintain the ability to be “a man”.  For years now boys have been taught that ‘assuming leadership’ in any way shape or form, even within the family unit, is wrong.  And how many times do you hear men tell jokes about how after marriage, sex is a seldom occurrence if not non-existent?  Women hold all the power so your best bet is to defer to them, let them make all the decisions, so that maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll get some.  Who cares if you’re not having your mental, emotional, or physical needs met or feeling emasculated?  We want a man who is strong and confident, a gentleman, a true source of solace and guidance when we need it, but then teach them as boys that anything they can do we can do better.  How does that instill any kind of confidence?  Master had some difficulties stepping into a leadership role because this is what He had been taught by society and experience.  Looking at it as a whole it makes me wonder sometimes if the feminist movement, in its goal for equality, tipped the scales a little too far the other way?

Now to get back to my point and bring home this whole rambling post – just because I choose to be a submissive/slave does not mean I’m against the feminist movement.  By choosing this lifestyle I am not disrespecting all the hard work those earlier women put into gaining equal rights for women.  I am simply doing what feels right to me, based on my own personal experiences, thoughts, ideas, and dreams.  I thank each and every woman that fought to make it possible for me to pursue the job I want, work and raise a family, get equal pay for equal work, and all the opportunities to learn and do all the things I want to do without fear of being ridiculed.  Just because I choose to live a more “traditional” lifestyle in my relationship, where my husband is my leader, does not negate that.

Marilyn

If you’re a woman and you want to open your own doors, fix your own car, be in charge of your house, order your husband around, be the leader in your family, refuse sex when you don’t really feel like it, etc – be my guest.  I will not ridicule you for it.  I may still think I wouldn’t trade my life for yours, EVER, but I would respect you for making a choice that is right for you.

I made this choice because it feels right for me.  For once in my life I am allowed, and encouraged, to simply be a woman.  I don’t have to fulfill both male and female roles either as a parent or within my relationship.  I am free to celebrate my body, my soft skin, my lips, hips and breasts (among other parts).   I am free to dress in a way that accentuates my femininity and wear beautiful high heels no matter how impractical.  I can let loose my soft emotional side without always having to be logical and authoritative.  I submit to and serve my Husband not because it’s His agenda, but because it’s also mine!  I like that when I submit to and serve Him it makes Him feel more confident, more of a leader, needed, wanted, and valued.  I like that He has the final say in most matters because it frees my mind up for other things I’d rather do or think about.  That doesn’t mean He makes all the decisions without my input, in fact a majority of the time He does get my input and I always feel that what I have to say or my opinion is valued.  Does He use me sexually?  Damn straight!  But if you think that doesn’t make me wet and horny think again!

His

I chose this lifestyle because I’m tired of always having to be the one in control.  I’ve done that enough in my life and now I simply want to enjoy just being supportive and being who I am.  I chose this lifestyle because there is safety in it for me – we hide nothing from each other, there are no lies, no power trips, and no hidden agendas.  I kneel at His feel not because He makes me (well sometimes He might – see reference to “wet and horny”) but because I am so proud of Him and He acts in a way that is deserving of my total devotion, kneeling before Him is just one way of expressing that emotion.  And if you ever saw us out eating dinner at a restaurant you may notice that I don’t start eating until He does or you may even catch me calling Him Sir – but before that you would notice that He opened the door for me, seated me before He took His seat, He doesn’t ogle the waitress or any other woman right in front of me, He is a gentleman, He is just as focused on me as I am on Him, and the look in our eyes is nothing short of true love and devotion for each other.  Now admit it – you just got kind of jealous…..

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Intermission……reading….

I’ve forgone writing for just a bit and concentrated more on reading (although admittedly not as much as I’d like to as I don’t have a lot of spare time).  There were a few ideas I had started writing about in the past month, often having multiple tabs open in the background as I work through finishing each thought, and while reading I discovered many posts that were very similar.

It makes me wonder if there’s some collective consciousness thing that goes on within an online community?  Or perhaps within a society as a whole?  Is it that we are all asking the same questions, probing the same ideas, or working through the same process?  Or maybe there’s some event, some bigger view, which we all witness, in some form or fashion, that starts us down the same thought path?

Either way I’m sure it would be a comforting thought to anyone who ever feels alone because apparently you are not, at least within the context of thoughts and ideas.  For me, it brings a certain degree of happiness to know I am at times sharing the same “mind” with so many wonderful people!  Thank you!

Alright, now I have to really finish up some of those ‘thoughts on paper’ before they become a forgotten idea and I’ve fallen too far behind the rest of you!   J

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